I’ve dealt with depression for longer than I haven’t. There are days (weeks or even months!) where it consumes me. It grips my heart and soul so tightly that my very spirit will become suffocated by it. It hurts. It hurts mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It comes without warning. Days upon days of happiness and joy are then smothered, choked out, and forgotten by one day of depression.
Depression IS hell.
Let me make it clear for those that have never dealt with the demon “Depression”. It is NOT something you can control. You can keep an eagle eye on your radar for any warning signs that it’s creeping up on you, but there aren’t any. For those of us cursed by Depression, it sweeps in and steals any and all joy you’ve been building up, like a ninja thief in the night.
I’ve been spending the past year looking for what causes or triggers depression episodes in my life. Then this morning it hit me that it’s literally a CONSTANT battle. C-O-N-S-T-A-N-T. CONSTANT. Did I mention it’s constant? Because it totally is.
As soon as I wake up, Satan immediately begins to bombard me with things to suck me into a major depression. It’s mornings where my kids wake up too early and Satan whispers in my ear, “Your day is going to suck cause those damn kids are up too early and they need you. Don’t they know how tired you are? You’re exhausted! You’re never going to make it. You might as well give up now.”
Satan is ugly like that, and yes he has a potty mouth.
If he doesn’t get me with that, then he will try and get me when I go to take a shower for the day and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror he will whispers things like, “Look at how ugly you’ve become. How can your husband stand to be with you? You are never good enough. You’re absolutely disgusting.” On ‘bad’ days it seems as though every hour I’m being hit with something else that I could easily dwell on to drag me down into a depression spiral.
But you know what? ALL OF THEM ARE LIES.
The most sickening part about Satan is he disguises these lies by buttering and sugar coating them. They almost sound logical! I find myself agreeing when the depression battle seems to get to be too much to bear. I’ll say back to him, “You know what? You’re right! Of course I’m tired! I just want to sleep! Why do I have to be responsible for them? This is ridiculous! I’ll just ignore them all day and sleep. They obviously don’t care about me, why should I care about them?”.
You see, I welcomed the depression in the moment I said “You’re right!”.
While I was waking up this morning and praying to God, I screamed at him shouting, “Father! Why and where do these thoughts come from?!? They are not right!”. He responded with, “Satan is your greatest enemy disguised as your best friend.”
In the words of a great man and my friend Chris Wilson who said, “Satan is punk!“. I think God would whole-heartily agree with you Chris. I would go so far as to say that Satan is THE punk. The punk by which all other punks are judged by.
Tonight I’m too tired to go into ways to combat depression. I’ll save that for another day. For now, I’m posting this for those of you who struggle too. I want you to take heart and know you aren’t alone. I leave you with a verse that has helped me over and over again in my battle against Depression:
“...take every thought captive and make it obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
Take every thought captive my friends, they are the battleground.
Learning to walk in Christ,