Here I am.
I couldn’t sleep because I was struggling with my thoughts and with God, so I decided to write. I obviously haven’t wrote here in awhile, not because I haven’t had things I wanted to share or say, but because I’ve been too proud to share what my heart has been truly wrestling with.
But back to today, and why I couldn’t sleep.
We spent the evening at a lady I go to bible study with’s house. All the other women from our group and their families were there. We had an amazing time. There was great food, lots of laughter, and lucky for us a volunteer babysitter 🙂 However, I was really blown away by how beautiful my friend’s home was. They were obviously a well-to-do family, and their kids (who are grown) were so wonderful, and it really caused me to just sort of reflect on my life in general.
Granted the home and the family were not what initiated the thoughts I’m about to share, but was sort of the pinnacle for ideas that had been brewing in my head since a conversation I had over the past holiday.
So here goes:
Something I struggle deeply with is my self-worth. Spiritually, I know my self-worth should come from God alone, but honestly I feel I have nothing else to offer to anyone. Not even my own husband or children. My skill set is extremely limited, and as such I feel easily expendable.
I’m good at motherly or domestic type things: Cooking, cleaning, kissing boo-boos, folding laundry. Things millions of (if not most) other people are completely capable of doing. I used to not feel this way. I always dreamed I would go to college and pursue a career, particularly in nursing. Not that I never wanted to be married or have children, but just in a vastly different order and time frame than I’m currently in. All this to say, my soft spot, my Achilles heel if you will, is the fact I never went to college.
The particular thought that was running though my mind tonight was that I really wish we, my husband and I, had our act together before having kids instead of constantly keeping our heads above water all the time, financially and otherwise. My thought being that if I had only gotten a degree things would be easier. I know some of you college grads are laughing, but still it’s what I struggle with.
I know the friend whose home I visited tonight has not had it easy, nor am I wishing I could trade spots or anything of the sort. The visit did leave me, as I mentioned earlier, reflecting on what I wish we would have done “better”. But there I was finding myself being a bit covetous of their things!
I laid in bed quietly praying for forgiveness for not being thankful for what I have, and for longing for things that obviously don’t belong to me. Then the more I prayed I about it, the more I thought about it! I couldn’t get it off my heart and mind! I was starting to cry, and as to not awaken my sweet husband I crawled out of bed to pray more here on the couch.
As I did, God placed on my heart the word “Grace”. After all this sinful thinking, the word I was hearing was “Grace”, not grace from God but Him telling me to give myself grace. He gently reminded me that I did try to go to college but my options were swept out from under my feet because of the decisions my parents made when I was younger, rendering my attempts useless. Without going into too much detail, I needed certain information from my parents, as I was considered a dependent because of my age, but they were unwilling to provide it to me, leaving me without the ability to apply for aid.
At that point, I gave up. It was clear to me that school was not in my cards, especially when I had a job that was at least paying my bills. Could I have tried to overcome to overcome these obstacles? Sure, lots of people do it. However, I had no support system. No one telling me keep on keeping on. No one to give me advice when everything around me seemed like it was crumbling. Most importantly, I had no prayer life at the time. What I did have was plenty of people telling me don’t worry about it, or that college really isn’t necessary, or that there will be time for that later.
So here I am with Grace.
I’m giving myself that today. I was young, with no one to help me. The people you should be able to look to for strength and advice were not to be found. I was also not a follower of Jesus, so prayer was not even on my radar at the time. How was I supposed to know what to do or find the strength to keep going on when I didn’t have the great I AM to guide me and pull me through?
I have had it lavishly poured out on my broken self by Him, but have never bothered to gift it to myself. I did what I knew best to do with what I had been given. Praise God, He’s kept me more whole than just completely falling apart.
So did I go to college? No. Will I ever? If it’s God’s will. Am I going to allow that to ruin my self-worth? Not anymore Sister!
I don’t know what God’s got planned for this little life of mine, but last I checked He’s in the business of taking the broken and making it beautiful once again.
Learning to walk in Christ,